The healing power of being alone

It was in the month of August. A fine cloudy day, I was rushing to reach the bank to deposit money. I was alone. It was a sudden errand and I was leaving for a trip the same evening. Upon reaching the bank, there was a long queue. So many things were running in my mind. I was anxious, nervous and overwhelmed by other emotions before the trip. After 45 minutes, my turn came and I deposited the money. As I was leaving from the bank, I could see it was raining. But on that particular day due to rush, I hadn’t brought an umbrella with me. It took about half an hour by foot to reach home from the bank. Luckily as I got out it turned to drizzle so I had no problem in crossing the wide road. But soon after I crossed, the downpour began. It was raining heavily than ever. Like other pedestrians, I sheltered under the roof of some shops, sideways of the road. It was raining heavily unlike other days. I knew it would take some time. I kept waiting. The emotions inside me were like fuming fire. I had some work upon reaching home too. I waited.

I could see vehicles, children with raincoats and some with umbrella walking. I could see how rain spattered on the windshield of vehicles, on the road. How cool wind was blowing and changing the direction of rain. How at one time there was a long traffic jam on the road and then how it became empty. As I kept waiting, it already became half an hour. But something had happened. My emotions were slowly disappearing. I felt lightness in my heart. It felt like I had to be stopped by rain. How I could have never imagined despite having so much work, I was waiting like I had nothing to do at all. And all that made the difference. The rain turned to drizzle again and I walked because I was getting late. I was soaked up by the time I reached home. But with a light heart, I set for the journey.

After this incident, I never felt like that for the longest time. I felt that it was the pause button of my life. Then one day, I was having a phone conversation with my friend. We were sharing some events of the past and consoling each other for the grief. We talked on the phone for about an hour or two then suddenly she remembered that I had a class. We both were quite troubled as we felt we hadn’t expressed all of our grief but we ended the conversation and I joined the class. I kept thinking after this class, I would call her again and maybe she would feel fine and so would I. But as I kept waiting something again happened. Those emotions that were burning and hurting slowly disappeared. After the class ended and I called her, she said she felt the same and we both were happy. This incident also felt like the pause button of my life.

For quite some time, I was having trouble feeling asleep. So many things were racing in my mind the moment I lay on my bed. I slept late and I woke up late. There were classes during the day. I was quite busy. These days too I have classes. But it was when I read 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin where she wrote mentally strong people take some time alone for themselves. I asked myself if I gave myself some time and the answer was no. It was not that I didn’t listen to my emotions at all because of work, I felt overwhelmed because of them too. It distracted me while I was working. I couldn’t focus completely. At times, I felt heavy at heart too. I would listen to music whenever I was alone. I would turn them while I was doing tasks. When it was time to sleep, it came back again. Then, after reading her book where I learnt being alone is often misunderstood as being lonely and how we need some alone time to rejuvenate ourselves. I said I will give myself this time instead of just scrolling through the phone. I lay and let thoughts come. I let it come and go without judging it. I pondered what emotions I was feeling exactly and labeled it. Soon, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling fresh. I felt happy too.

It’s not like my life has changed entirely and I don’t feel any emotions at all these days. Recently, I had a heated conversation with a friend and I was feeling troubled. I tried listening to songs, watching series and talking to friends. Nothing helped. I still felt the same. I felt like no this won’t help. Maybe this isn’t the solution. So, I sat on the balcony in a cool breeze just by myself, my thoughts and my emotions. I sat to listen to them. My heart was feeling heavy. I asked why I was feeling so. It took some time but I realized it was because I was feeling rejected and hurt. I just listened to my pain and heart. I just felt it. I comforted myself. I was unconsciously even demanding myself to be happy soon and I was frustrated over myself why I wasn’t feeling happy sooner. Then I asked myself do I need to feel happy all the time and sooner and slowly it disappeared. While the other party was also at fault, I also felt I acted on emotions only during the conversation and it definitely became a heated one. This particular time I questioned my feeling. Other times I just listen without judging. It's important not to be hard on yourself for feeling how you feel and listen and relax and later after being calmed down look for solutions. As I listened to myself it all faded like that pause button. That pause button was a time with myself. I hadn’t given myself that time. I hadn’t taken time to care for myself. I was being hard on myself pushing expectations, frustrations, demands, living up to unrealistic expectations. I was also judging myself constantly because of it. Of course judging my every emotions and pain wouldn't help all the time as well as of that of others. I let it come and let it go. These days I just put my phone down and lay on bed and let my thoughts come. They come, they go. I listen without adding much. I fall asleep. I don’t have many thoughts either compared to the previous time. But some days I do get overwhelmed too either during day or night or both. But sitting and listening to myself like a friend has definitely helped me. I also do seek out what will help me. I read so many books; I ask help from my loved ones and work for solutions. I have been able to manage emotions much now compared to before.

As I am writing now, I will tell you honestly, I was quite anxious before writing this article sharing this vulnerable side and thinking how others perceived it. But as I kept writing, it faded like that of a pause button because I am listening to myself now. In this era of social media, we are easily connected to each other. We feel like we shouldn’t be alone and if we are alone it is regarded as being weak, rejected and as being lonely. We are social beings and being alone as the ultimate answer and socializing as weakness won’t help either. And speaking from my perspective I was afraid of being alone for the longest time of my life. I would keep myself busy as much as possible. But it came tearing down. I realized we all do need some time for ourselves, to take a break and to relax and come back to life. I spend time alone by myself often these days and I love it. I do spend time with friends too. I learnt being alone does have a healing power.And we should also not forget we do need each other too. I now look forward to having "ME" time.

I wrote this article as a reminder. I encourage you to take yourself on a date with yourself once in a while. I encourage you to dedicate some time of your day for yourself and be there for yourself. It might get uncomfortable in the beginning but we will learn to love it. And if you don’t feel fine, it’s always okay to ask help from friends and professional help too. It’s important to take care of ourselves. It’s okay and things will be okay too. Take care.