Becoming your own person

Becoming your own person

 

“What kind of person are you?”

“Well. I don’t know. Will you give me some time to process?.….(1 hour later) Let me think..(1 day later) What kind of person am I? (1 year later) Let me think. Who am I? (an eternity later) Still thinking.”

 

It is funny, isn’t it? Nevertheless, it is a common scenario that we all have gone through one time or the other. It feels like it is something we have to carry a readymade answer to. Especially if we are attending any social scenario. 

 

"Introduce yourself"

 

 Hearing this gigantic question, floods of emotions arise within us putting us in a dilemma in what to say, what not to say. I also feel the same way. When it comes to me, what I do is I will try to finish my introduction in less than 1 minute with as few words as possible. I am as awkward as you can imagine meanwhile handing over my turn as fast as I can. I really can’t figure out what to say. 

 

I understand introductions aren't hard, as you might say. In fact, it is not a big deal. But somehow, I don't want to get into the hassle of it. It just repels me. I don’t know why. I am scratching my head while writing this, unable to answer. But if I am being very honest it’s because I am scared of it. It’s because I don't want to sound obnoxious while replying to that question. 

Deep inside, what I feel is that I am someone who is still learning. I have left an ocean behind me and I am flowing and I still have an ocean to dive into. And to add any title to it while describing, I think it doesn’t do that much justice to the title itself. I know I sound a little pessimistic here but what I mean to say is I don't know how to define myself in the first place so anything of any sort feels like a burden to me, to add, to carry. Enough for me to contemplate should I even call myself that? Rather than questioning if I deserve the title, I ask, does the title deserve me? And I know, I am not the only one who feels so. I believe most of us feel that way.

 

In the midst of this, as we have to answer the question, in order to simplify it, we look for other things in daily life to define ourselves. Maybe we feel we are our achievements, actions, dreams, and how we treat others. Yet, the question remains unanswered. We feel like we are getting close to it yet still unable to answer. It’s because the answers are changing. We are trying new things. We are doing. We are learning. We are changing daily. Each day is different and each day we are growing in one way or the other. The answer thus revolves around this whirlwind of cyclones. What kind of person are we?

 

During this process, luckily we have become something. We have become someone that we have visualized. We have become someone else's narrative. Or we haven't become any of those rather opposite of it. We have become something in this process. And we don’t know what that is.

 

Till now, we have become something. Something of someone. Someone that did something. That’s all we know as of now. The answer is still unanswered. We are trying to settle. We have done everything yet still unhappy.

 

So this time why not ask ourselves these questions, "Have I ever tried to become my own person?" How often do I stand for myself? How often do I not let others' opinions get to me? How often are my actions aligned with my vision? Have I created my own bubble or am I just blowing bubbles for others? Have I hidden myself for the sake of others? Am I scared of trying? Am I scared of doing what I love? Am I pursuing what I love? Am I satisfied? Have I lived for myself?”

 

I can understand these are very heavy-weighted questions when we are used to being thrown with the tag that human beings are selfish. We are. We are in fact. There is no denying it. We can happily accept the tag and move on. But why can’t we give answers to the above questions easily? Why don’t we know what kind of person we are despite being selfish? If we are selfish, why we aren’t able to admit it fully either? How could that happen? If we ponder a little longer, we can get the answer. 

 

As selfish as we are, we don’t want to be self-absorbed either. There are still parts within us that are selfless too. That makes us, us. That made us thrive. That makes us give more and more without expecting anything in return. That’s how our civilization flourished. That is our virtuous quality. I also wouldn’t want to take away that either because that’s the essence that makes us. 

 

But often what happens is when we let other things get into what we are doing. Often it happens without our knowledge, subconsciously. This leads to us being scared of doing anything. Even if we are doing service to others, we get scared of trying. We are scared of getting subjected to judgment. We are scared of revealing parts of us that feel true to us. It appears in conflict with what society wants us to be and what we actually are. Either we are too good or too bad. Either we come across too strong or too weak. There is no in-between. I admit we are perhaps very flawed and have a lot to work on but if we keep judging ourselves without mercy, we get caught up. We get stuck. We wouldn’t know. We will forget. Ultimately, we would also stop whatever we were doing, whatever views we were carrying. We cease to function. And we definitely cannot answer the first question with which we started,” What kind of person are you?” 

 

I also get lost in this whirlwind questioning everything. Even asking the worth of anything I do or even my existence. There are answers I don’t know. There are answers I want to know. But I don’t know how to. So much time has elapsed during this process yet I still am lost. But when I look around at people who are doing their own things, their version of good things of helping others, living in their own bubble, and happy, I can get the answer. They are becoming their own person. That’s why they are happy. Even whenever I say to myself, I want to become my own person, something inside me revives. It just lessens the pain that I am carrying and I let out part of me which I was scared of.  I would rather want to become my own person because I am time and again failing miserably at whatever I was trying to this date. So, whenever I get stuck, I also ask myself,” Have I become my own person?” It’s because I would love to become my own person.

 

“Becoming our own person” this narrative may sound peculiar to us. I can understand it is something different than what society expects us to. It can look like a challenge, something so infuriating, something so self-obsessed of becoming your person.

 I would rather like to redefine it and make you understand it isn’t what it appears to be. When you become yourself, you offer the world the best gift you can give from your side. This way, we wouldn’t go on a soul searching for the answers and instead become our own person. 

We could become someone whom we can look up to. Someone whom we can depend on. Someone who is going to take a stand for us. Someone who is going to raise a voice for us without fear. Someone who won't hesitate to pursue the passion that is unique to us no matter how lonely the battle is. Someone who won't give up on us. Someone who will protect us.

Someone who respects others' opinions and not forget to respect their own. Someone who wouldn’t trample on others' boundaries and would respect their own boundary as well.

Someone who chases their dreams and is not afraid to do so. Someone who is also not afraid to pour sweat and blood into their work. 

Someone who gets lost in their own world and gets thrilled by it. Someone who is happy in their own bubble while blowing bubbles for others as well. Someone who will be willing to accept that they are wrong when they have done wrong and never afraid to work on our shortcomings. Someone who is willing to think outside of the box and challenge the belief they are carrying. Someone who knows they are flawed and so is the world and learn to settle in the acceptance. 

Someone who knows our imperfections but also our strength. Someone who is not going to be ashamed of us. Someone who will not be afraid of growing. Someone who will make better decisions for our future self. Someone who will keep pushing us.  And someone who has faith in us. 

Someone who is willing to take the risk. Someone who will not only fit into society but also be willing to stand out at times of need. Someone who gets up after every failure. Someone who keeps persevering. Someone who keeps pursuing.

 Someone who gives not only takes. Someone who loves not only seeks to be loved. Someone who helps but also knows to seek help. Someone who is a free soul rather than the body they are contained in.

 Someone who flies in the sky and dives into the ocean from high. Someone who gets enchanted by flowers and sleeps in the meadows. Someone who gazes at stars endlessly and admires the reflecting moon. Someone who gets lost in poetry and wakes up at the sound of chirping birds. Someone who collects foliage just to keep it inside the books. Someone who falls for the novel's character as if they were the real person. Yet still knows they can dwell into fantasy at times without drifting away from reality.

Someone who looks at their own existence. Someone who looks beyond their existence. Someone who can make the world a better place. And someone whom you can feel proud for that this is my person. My own person who is there for me. The answer is limitless.

 

So now,  whenever someone asks me, “What kind of person are you?” I will say,” Well, I don't know what kind of person I am. I still don't know. I may know later. I may not know. But whatever I will end up becoming, I would still wish to become my own person in the end." And I would like to end by asking you the same, "Would you want to become your own person as well?"

It's because I would love to become my own person. :)